| TROUBLED |
[08 Jun 2004|09:40pm] |
The thing is, I cant get him off my mind. No matter what hes all I ever think about even if its just in the back of my mind. Its hard for me to understand why things turned out the way they did. I've put all my heart into our relationship and sure enough I got hurt. I loved him and still do and I dont know why. Things would be soo much easier if I could I didnt feel the way I do. Sometimes I think and hope that someday he will miss me and ask for me back. I talk to him off and on. Its hard not to take this break up personal. We're friends and if thats all thats left then I guess thats all I get. Theres this girl that hangs out in hiw group of friends and they're friends as well. But I cant help but feel jealous that theres something going on between them.
I dont want anyone else. I cant think about being with anyone else other than him. I know someday there will be someone else. But right now all I want is for someone to love me back. If all this seems scattered, its because it probably is. I cant think straight and I have thoughts that keep popping from left and right. I want to talk to him and tell him how I feel, but I dont want to make him feel guiltyto the point where he just feels bad and tries to be nice. I guess SO MUCH FOR MY HAPPY ENDING.
He was everything that I wanted.It was meant to be, suppose to be, but we lost it. He was just being himself and thats who I loved him for. There are soo many moments that him and I have shared thats going to be hard to forget. And
nothing hurts worse loving someone whose not capable of loving you back.
I know Im young, but I still have a heart just like anybody else.
I drive myself crazy at night holding on to a stuffed animal that sid gave to me. Just wishing that it was him. Tugging and kissing its forehead, wishing that things could of worked out.
P.s. This isnt necessarily in order and Im sure if you knew the story youd understand a little better, but my mind so busy I cant even put a single sentence together when I talk.
SID I LOVE YOU
-Emily
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| Pathetic |
[13 Apr 2004|06:18pm] |
HEY GUYS- Guess who? Yeah its me woo hoo!I havent updated in such a long time. Its kinda pathetic. Oh well!
N e ways getting to the good stuff that you guys are here to read anyways...
SPRING BREAK
Hmm well Friday we all got off of school and I decided that I was still visiting my dad over spring break and let loose,whatever -you know. Come Saturday morning my dad calls and tells me that I probably would want to come down over the break because he was gonig to be evicting his girlfriend (Lisa)out of the house who he has his one year old son Blake with. Well its all a bunch of dramatic bullshit- and they both act like 2 fucking imature six year olds. I love my dad, and I dont mind lisa at all WHEN THEY'RE NOT TOGETHER!!!!!! So there I was dissapointed. I was planning and looking forward to visiting...and then I called him back and told him I was coming anyway!!!And then he told me he wasnt gonig to evict lisa anymore.
I left to Arizona on Wednesday approximately around 2:30pm. The night before I spent with Anthony;Sid (my boyfriend) so that I wouldnt feel totally lonely before I got there. I got to the airport, my mom and I said our good-byes for the 4 days that I was gone and I left to get on my plane. As the plane took off I noticed the people I was sitting by. I took a look to my right and there was a mother and daughter who absolutely loved eachother, played around, and connected really well!Then I took a look to my left I saw three best friends who bonded awesomely and were like sisters to one another. I put on my headphones and I sat and thought to myself about what those people had that I didnt. I fell asleep for the last half hour left on the plane. In my dreams it felt like I was was spiraling straight towards the ground(which could of been the help of the air turbulance from the plane), I awoke thinking something bad was happening. I felt sick and nautious. I had to get off the plane. My dad,Heather(lisa's daughter), and Blake picked me up at the airport. I couldnt believe how big my baby brohter had gotten. We got home and I put my things in the room which I stayed in. We all decided to go out for ice-cream and the go grocery shopping. I DEMANDED that we picked up some wine coolers- SO WE DID! Boones Farm wine coolers- its cheap and its overly intoxicating. Now Im not going to keep gonig day by day- that would take too long- But I will just go by the main events. So my stay down there was- ALLRIGHT I went to Rock Bottom(bar and grill)went to a HOOKAH Bar (which was way awesome, although I didnt get to smoke it)
HMMM- Damn I just dont feel like talking much more about it- I mean theres lots more stuff I did down there, but I could of been doing something with someone else which would of meant more. Which doesnt make sense, because I went to go visit my dad- but not much quality time was spent. We went out for ice-cream and drank flavored beer- that pretty much sums it up! I know my dad loves me, but he has too much shit he's wallowing in to spend time with his only daughter. "I love you too DAD"
I think I picked up the flu while I was down there and havent been able to shake it off- so Im gonna go FEEL BETTER! ;)
NIGHT YOU GUYS
-EMILY-
...XOXOXO...
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| My feelings are blowing in the direction of the undecided wind |
[06 Feb 2004|10:32pm] |
Well today I thought was going to be okay. Until my mom and I met with my counselor this morning first thing at school. I thought we were only going to discuss my grades and attendance and stuff. Because, initially, thats what we went there for.
But she brought up some emotional things that have been beneath the surface for awhile. But I just choose to hide them and not bring them up. But its hard when other people do, and notice that your emotionally unhealthy. Well I broke out into tears right there on the spot in front of my mom and the counselor. I felt so stupid, because I barely understood why I was crying. I think that its from stuffing all my problems away has made it so that its hard to tell what I am really depressed about.
As my counselor began to ask me questions about the things that bothered me, I started to feel better for letting go a few crazy animals in the barn out. (anology)
But that wasnt the last of it. I was hanging out with my boyfriend and my friends in my room just chilling and listening to music. And then it slapped me in the face. I started crying in my boyfriends arms... I felt lost and confused. He asked me, "What's wrong"? and I thought about it and at first I thought that I knew the reason for my tears, but I didnt. I couldnt put it into words. Because I DIDNT UNDERSTAND IT MYSELF!!! I felt bad, like I set him in a worried and unhappy mood. I didnt want him to think that it was because of him. I was just speechless about the whole thing. I felt stupid for crying in front of him in the first place.
Ahhh- emotional breakdowns are a bitch and are hard to get over.
Im done! Night guys.
Emily
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